Tales From Tart Hill Nick

Superintendent "Dazzler" Dodgers was early that morning.  He was sat alertly
at his command desk working on his weekly contribution to the Gazette.  He
looked approvingly at the photo of him the Gazette would show to accompany
his piece.

The station civilian mechanic requested audience with Dazzler.

"Make it so", called Dazzler to his secretary who interpreted to the
mechanic "Go in"

"12 flat tyres on the patrol cars, all ruined because the guys returned to
station after nightshift running on them flat".

"How did that happen then ?" quizzed Dazzler.

"At a guess", replied the mechanic with a sigh, "Given the trouble in the
resorts last night from a miner's night out,  that the bouncers subdued
without police assistance, I reckon some pissed off bouncers went to the
Baileys Hotel at Wastegate and deflated the said tyres"

"Were the nightshift on a big shout then .. all 3 cars deployed in one place
?",

The mechanic gazed towards the ceiling whilst his lips betrayed that he was
counting to ten.

"No guvnor ... they would have been on a lock in all night drinking so the
miners did not get them"

"That's enough of that sort of talk", barked Dazzler, "This is Isle of
Fannit police and we are an elite body of officers dedicated to making the
isle a safer place to live and visit.  Hide up in the Baileys ?  My lads ?"

"Working on yer "View from Tart Hill" weekly piece in the Gazette are you
Guv ?"

"How did you know that ?" asked Dazzler.

"Just a guess", shrugged the mechanic.

"Well never mind that I need you to prepare undercover surveillance
conveyance three, with spare jingles, stock within sell by dates, full tank
and I need it ready asap!"

"Serious shit going down is it guv", queried the mechanic, "Undercover
surveillance conveyance three !  Jeez."

"Irish, briefing the team on a need to know basis and deploying immediate
after briefing.  They may be suspect Irish terrorists but we are Fannit
police and we reckon to fight them to a standstill on the streets of this
resort."

"Shouldn't you call SAS", reasoned the mechanic.

"Let me tell you", preened Dazzler, "It is the SAS who call Fannit Police if
they get too tough a nut to crack"

"Well what about the bouncers, they could help, they do the public order
policing of a night time anyway", persisted the mechanic.

Dazzler raised a dismissive hand, "Undercover surveillance conveyance three
on the hurry up.  Fannit CID team is going to work.  Our public need us out
there"

The secretary raised her charming eyebrows at the mechanic as he swept off
to his duties.  "Like a f-cking hole in the head," she mouthed silently to
the grinning mechanic.

The CID team assembled

"Right", announced Dazzler, "Undercover surveillance conveyance three is in
preparation. This is serious stuff so listen in.  MI5 have contacted me to
inform me that three known Irish terrorists entered the county by ferry.
They are known to have rented a holiday cottage in Fannit.  Our patch lads.
The enemy has landed. The cottage was rented by a gay male member of the
three person multi gender Irish team. It was rented from a member of the
Fannit gay scene. Another member of the Paddy team is female, attractive but
lesbian. The team leader is a stereotypical male heterosexual who assumes
top of place in the pecking order"

"Guv", asks DCI Gladbone, "Am I to understand that we are receiving the
benefits of the group dynamics course you attended at Bramshill last year ?"

"Well spotted", glowed Dazzler, "And the courses I have done on perimeter
crossing techniques and terrorist anti surveillance techniques.  Now will be
the time to apply the training men.  Be guided by me. Stage One of our
response is intensive surveillance.  To that end Dc Tosser please don the
police panto costume I have requisitioned."

"But that is the outfit for little weed in our recent production triumph ...
Bill and Ben." protested Tosser.

"That is because", instructed Dazzler as he pointed towards the map pinned
on the blackboard, "You will deploy here in the allotments next to the
barracks wall.  You will merge incognito with the artichokes.  This giving
you a vantage point to observe the said holiday cottage."

"Your callsign, Tosser," Dazzler continued, "Will be Billabong,  I will be
operational commander mobile in the surveillance vehicle.  My callsign will
be Skippy.  Other officers will deploy to the points designated on the map
under call signs ... Bluey, Cobber, Bruce, FourX  and Sheila.  Surveillance
radio discipline will apply. Vital information repeated twice.  Meaning
Tosser that you say it three times OK ? Right team.  Fannit is relying on
you.  Mission commences. To the surveillance vehicle to be transported to
your respective drop off points.  Dc Darkmale, you will carry Tosser under
your arm to his drop off and make as if you are transplanting an artichoke
into the allotment."

"Brilliant", enthused Gladbone.

And so the Fannit street warriors boarded Surveillance Conveyance Three. 
Namely the undercover ice cream van.

Dazzler was driving. Gladbone navigating and observing.  The remainder of
the team in the back crouched on the floor a morale boosting magnum each.

"Right men", said Dazzler between gritted teeth "We are going in.  Gladbone
to you the honour of selecting first jingle"

Gladbone deliberated for some time,  "Gotta be Just One Cornetto guv" and
handed over that jingle cassette.

And so the surveillance vehicle eased into the deployment zone under the
boom of "Just one Cornetto" as the men dropped off and took their respective
stations.  Darkmale carried Tosser under his arm and thumped him down amidst
the artichoke patch.

"Gobbleuppleub little weed", winked Darkmale.  Team morale was that good
that the lads spared time for a quip.

"F-ck off", said Tosser "I didn't want to be the artichoke and what sort of
call sign is billabong anyway ?"

Darkmale wandered off the allotments, pausing only to nick some raspberries,
and took up his position occasionally popping a raspberry in his mouth and
gazing round furtively.

"Skippy Skippy Skippy ... Charlie Charlie call ... mission is on on on ...
radio check over"

"Billabong Billabong Billabong .. charlie check check check"

"Four X Four X Four X charlie check check check"

And so on until all the team had confirmed on net.

Dazzler was pleased.  Half an hour went by with nothing reported.

Then Dazzler drove round the block.

"Sheila Sheila Sheila .. I have eyeball eyeball eyeball on Skippy returning
under guise of new jingle jingle jingle Teddy Bears picnic Teddy Bears
picnic Teddy Bears picnic"

"Bruce Bruce Bruce I have eyeball eyeball eyeball on Skippy being flagged
down by Councillor Haton from the bowls green.  That is Haton of the police
authority authority authority who knows Skippy Skippy Skippy  wait out"

"Bruce Bruce Bruce guvnor has given Haton a freebie cornetto ... believed
minty choccy chip minty choccy chip minty choccy chip"

"Cobber cobber cobber refeshment break Bill's seafront cafe cafe cafe"

"Billabong Billabong Billabong .. Skippy Cobber is having a cup of tea ...
any chance of a mint feast and a can of coke discreetly thrown into the
artichoke patch go on guv .. gagging here here here"

"Skippy Skippy Skippy making another circuit past target establishment ..
jingle change imminent."

And so on the next circuit, cunningly appearing to be a different ice cream
van on each drive round, Dazzler slows to a halt outside the cottage (aka
target establishment).

And out come the three Irish !

The leader says "Three 99s please .. and what a fine jingle Danny Boy is. 
There was some wanker round earlier with Teddy Bears picnic and before that
another wanker with Just one Cornetto"

Dazzler keeps his head "Yeah wankers" he agreed and handed over the three
99s.

As an afterthought the Irish leader says "Oh and a mint feast and a can of
coke as well please we will treat old Billabong who is gagging over there".

"Skippy Skippy Skippy ... we are blown blown blown ... assemble for
transport to debrief and engage plan 2"

"Bluey Bluey Bluey waots plan 2 guv guv guv"

"Skippy Skippy Skippy ... ask the beat constable to keep his eyes open open
open"

"Bluey Bluey Bluey ... have made it so and he says his eyes will be better
for a free Magnum Magnum Magnum"

The Irish leader reappears "Love your picture in the Gazette Dazzler .. just
reading your last weeks view from Tart Hill and what an inspirational law
enforcement professional you are if I may say so."

At the debrief Dazzler is incandescent with rage.  "They must have a radio
scanner."

Then the mechanic sought entrance

"Make it so" groaned Dazzler.

Surveillance vehicle turn round serviced and jingles booked back to QM,
found a note tucked under windscreen wiper"

Dazzler opened the note and read it out to the team "The lesbian lip reads
... says thanks for repeating things three times Best Wishes Paddy Paddy
Paddy"

"Could it be guv", asked Tosser down to his sensible vest and y fronts
having thrown the artichoke disguise at Darkmale, "That the paddies are
taking the piss ?"

"They just got lucky", said Dazzler.

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