Thanet Funny Newsflash

Major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale has hit at 9.30am today on
Thursday 18th September 2003.


The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish Costa's were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

KMFM News (State Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Margate.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old single mother of 5 said "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I
was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently
though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of can of Stella
to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings,
which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone
China from Poundland.


HOW CAN YOU HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after,
items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops
(his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots and any
other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by,
but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins
of baked beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro
for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy
drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to
calm the nerves of those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as
the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population or neighbouring areas of
Westgate, St Lawrence and Manston.

**Breaking news** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in
claret - 'where are you bleeding from?' they asked - 'FANIT' said the girl
'woss that got to do with it?'

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