A Night on The Club DoorA fictional story ... although some may think they know who may have
inspired certain characters ?
It was a Saturday night of yesteryear in Fannit. The bouncers met up early
and travelled by car around the resort making note of coach numbers, seating
capacities and operators. These were entered into the "Griff book" by
Mutley (the bouncer who was keeper of the griff). By 8.45 PM the lads were
at the club which was situated on the seafront. The manager, Mad Manchester
Mullah aka "Windmill", greeted the lads and saw, with approval, that Mutley
was pocketing the griff book.
Mutley took up station to "Talk the door" and Well Nourished Royston aka
"Cockney" took up station near Mutley to do the tap down searches.
Cockney claimed to be an ex Special Investigation Branch member of the Royal
Military Police. He was often watching for unlikely characters on behalf of
military intelligence apparently. On this night Cockney announced that "The
Poet" and "The Belgian"were in the resort up to no good at the harbour. The
rest of the team humoured Cockney whose presumably imaginary foes were
inevitably international hit men or mercenaries or terrorists who had exotic
names known only to the underworld (and Cockney). The reason the team went
along with Cockney's stories was that he would always be right about
predicting trouble of the more prosaic bog standard violence variety.
Across the road, hidden from the view of the punters, one of the Stray
brothers, Ticky the middle brother, took up position. The other two Strays
deployed. The youngest Jethro (because he was like the character from
Beverley Hillbillies) was on the inner door making sure all punters had paid
entrance. The oldest, Jambo, was at the top of the stairs watching
cloakroom and its queue and chatting up anything in a skirt.
Patrolling unobserved was Kiwi and Beefy. A New Zealander of immense
strength who was a pacifist (CND etc) and Beefy a Fannit lad hard as nails
who everyone liked because he laughed at all jokes. Beefy was polite like
that. For some reason Beefy often ended up holding Windmill's glasses when
ever Windmill (the manager) launched his myopic self in full support of his
bouncers. Once Windmill had established Braille contact with his opponent he
would remove the glasses and throw them to Beefy who was always stupid
enough to catch them. If readers have seen the Play Station boxing robot ?
That was short sighted Windmill in a fight (hence Windmill). But he always
won. At the end of which he would mop his brow and call "Beefy, my
glasses".
Beefy would reply, "I can't keep catching yer glasses Windmill, I end up
poncing round fighting one handed trying to put yer glasses in my pocket."
Next time an unrepentant Windmill would do exactly the same thing. Beefy in
the middle of conflict would catch the glasses and the other bouncers would
hear him curse "F-ck it" (Beefy had caught them again .. pride you see ..
Beefy was good at sports and stuff ..green beret man ... could not let
himself down by fluffing the catch)
Windmill of late had began moving in certain circles. The local boxing club
committee. And he was entering the spirit of this by adopting what the
Fannit bouncers called "Villain Talk"
a form of Arthur Daleyesque lingo much loved of the businessmen who ran
boxing for love of the sport in the area.
Jethro noticed that his oldest brother, Jambo, was a little downhearted.
"Whats up Jambo ?"
"Beset with problems little brother. Reckon I am on the verge of being
rumbled mate"
Here Jambo was referring to his day job running the local juvenile offender
scheme for the Probation service who employed him as a probation officer.
It had started years before when Jambo had a little job up London clearing
old libraries. Beautiful leather bound books. And Jambo would choose one
here and there for its binding and then read it before using it as a
decorative item on his shelves. Jambo had sussed, when reading an ancient
tome on crime and incorrigible rogues, that social work was like fashion.
It is circular. Stuff comes back into fashion when everyone has forgotten
it from first time round. And so it is, Jambo realised, with social work
jargon and ideas. Hence Jambo had boned up on some 150 year old jargon and
attended interview to run the juvenile offenders scheme. The interviewing
panel sat fascinated as Jambo, at his bullshitting best, explained the
necessity to break the recidivism cycle by inculcating work ethic. And he
got the job assisted by the idea the panel had somehow acquired, that he was
a qualified professional.
It was after Jambo got the job that the Strays began flogging pirate videos
and suchlike (IT classes for incorrigible rogue youngsters) and pine
furniture (carpentry skills for the incorrigible rogue youngsters).
In fact Jambo reckoned that even by 19th century standards he was running a
pretty fine "Manufactory".
His problems had started after many years running the scheme. He had began
to stand out in international terms as running the most effective juvenile
offender scheme in the Commonwealth. Namely very few of his juveniles went
on to re-offend. This was the source of Jambo's worries that night. He had
been invited to speak at a high power probation conference revealing his
methods for the benefit of the broader probation profession.
In a nutshell what Jambo had to conceal was the very reason for his success.
Namely that his social skills classes for young offenders were about
fiddling social, working in the black economy, always being mindful of the
bottom line. Whilst removing poverty as the trigger for worsening
criminality, essentially Jambo taught them how to get away with it. This,
of course, being the reason Fannit youth offenders never got caught again !
In Fannit these scams, inspired by Jambos admiration for Thatcherite
economics, included "Race the bailiff" and "Doppleganger Inc". The bouncing
team were all enthusiastic Thatcherites and enthusiastically participated in
this entrepreneurial activity. (You don't get this in your sociology and
social policy lectures at school and unee .. this is why Coppy's Gripping
yarns are good background reading for students wishing to avoid the PC
indoctrination of the dumbed down education system)
Basically Thatcher wanted a large number of unemployed to bring inflation
down. But she also wanted self sufficiency and entrepreneurial spirit.
Jambo's genius was to combine both these Thatcherite objectives. IE The
Fannit innovation ... the entrepreneur on unemployment benefits.
Jambo was actually saving public funds. A patriot and great Thatcherite.
If a youth offender is diverted into fiddling social security and working in
the black economy, then the burden on the public purse is considerably less
than catching the little sod and locking him up in Holiday Bay ? Jambo must
have saved the taxpayer millions whilst also addressing Fannit's chronic
poverty problems. And notice too that the crime count goes down. The
Police might claim credit for that, but in fact it was Jambo the social
policy genius. Jambo's strategy was twofold. Any offender straying into
antisocial crime (thieving off pensioners etc) and Jethro or Jambo would
give em a slap. Carrot and stick, as per the old leather bound volume.
Whilst the story digressed, to explain the nature of Jambo's personal crisis
that night, you may have been wondering why Ticky Stray was hidden outside ?
Tic Tac. He would signal the door (Mutley) if he observed from his
observation post groups of lads separating into individual punters so as to
sneak a stag group in past the bouncers.
On the door Mutley would casually ask for proof of ID. Age etc. Mutley
clocks the address on the driving licence or whatever is produced by the
punter to establish ID and age. Mentally Mutley is comparing that address
to those he has entered into the Griff book of coach operators whose coaches
are parked in the resorts. Mutley is gauging the visiting threat and how
much he will allow of it to build up inside the club.
Occasionally Windmill would visit the door. "How is it going ?"
Jethro with the clickometer " Five hundred in 270 male 230 female"
Mutley "Ten of a possible 50 from Medway .. a stag run by coach ... eight of
a possible fifty from the mining village stag run by coach ... telling
Medway and the miners now that their mates are using the club down the road"
(This is how bouncing teams cooperated to share the threat and thus minimize
it. Intelligence led bouncing it was called. Innovated in Fannit.)
Beefy "Miners are by bar three, Medway by Bar two, clocked the alphas"
"Alphas" was part of the jargon introduced by Jambo who had a book on
primate pecking orders. "Alphas" are the top men ... the ones the bouncers
will take first if it kicks off.
Here bouncing departs from what police do. Police, with backup and
resources and so on, they approach public disorder by dragging bodies at
random from the periphery of a conflict whilst the conflict stays in situ
and escalates. A good bouncer team works differently. No random snatches.
Take the alpha and the others chase. The subordinate males think the
location of the fight is moving and so move with it. This is what bouncers
call"Ejecting the fight". So if you hear of a fight spilling off the dance
floor up the stairs and out on to the street ? You now have a different
insight.
Anyway, that night the phone rings. Mutley answers and the bouncers see
that he has taken out the griff book. He enters some data.
"Fannit Old Bill is having a lock in at Baileys at Wastegate hiding up
again"
"They will be knocking up residents at dawn then to borrow a footpump
again", said Jethro, "Unless Dazzler lets them get away with running in on
flat tyres again".
"Funny fing abaht Dazzler ?" said Cockney
"Wots da full SP den Cockney" (Windmill in boxing club committee inspired
jingo)
"I reckon the kid is having some problems vis a vis cash flow", replies
Cockney, "Saw the twat trying to flog ice creams and me old cocker knock me
dahn if Belfast Bogeyman don't came aht and buy some. Then Belfast Bender
wanders across the allotments and gives a can of drink and an ice cream to
that twat Darkmale who is on some sort of dare wearing his pantomime little
weed cossie."
"Cockney", answered Windmill, "Belfast Bender, Belfast Bogeyman ? Bad noos
incognito or what ? Or are you making up porkies ?"
"Bad news Paddy terrorists," announced Cockney, "Just hope the Poet and the
Belgian aint been retained by them. I have been alerted to watch for them
lads, they are having a drink at the yacht club down the harbour at this
moment I reckon".
"If they come up here wanting some", said Beefy, "I aint catching your
f-cking glasses Windmill telling yer"
"You're a good boy Beefy, hell of a dig on yer, loadsa bottle, steam in,
good chin, stamina.
You are always good value son. Honest grafter in dere. You'd fight em in a
phone box. Rip it up. What ? Beefy you are one hundred and ten per cent a
genuine geezer. One of our own." Here Windmill meant that Beefy would
catch his glasses next time.
But how would Dazzler, at Fannit Tart Hill nick, react to his mechanic
telling him to sanction the purchase of twelve new tyres next morning ?
</NOSCRIPT>
